Sunday, August 23, 2009

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

"It is not the answer that enlightens,
but the question."
- Decouvertes

It’s not May, so Mother’s Day is seven months away but “Mothers” seem to be a reoccurring theme this past week. Betty's interesting post"My Mother Part Two" and Diva Kreszlat’s post, "My Sweet Mother” has me reflecting a lot lately about my mother who died at the age of 47, not that I need to read other people's stories to make me think of my Mom. Thirty two years after her death, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. I take solace in the fact that, in my family, I am the lucky one who looks the most like her... lucky in that I get to see glimpses of her sometimes when I look into the mirror. If the lighting is just so and my hair is just right, I can almost swear it is her looking back at me.

My Mother was quiet and reserved but kind and giving. She was a pillar of strength. She had to be to raise eight children basically on her own. My Dad worked for the Department of Mines as a diamond driller, which meant he was away for a week or two at a time. His weekends at home were more for spending time at the local bootleggers than time with his family or doing chores around the house. Raising the family and running the household fell to my mother. She was the glue that held the family together as was proven by how quickly it fractured after her death.

One of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t listen more to what she was saying when I had the chance, and that I didn’t ask questions about her life or her feelings. I was 19 when she died…at the age when I thought I knew everything. Now, at 52, I realize that I don’t know squat about anything. I’m ready to ask and to listen now, but it is too late. You cannot turn back the clock. You can only imagine what those answers would be and it is with a heavy heart that I know it is not enough.

I am going to start a journal…even though I’ve never been a “journal” type of person. Until I started blogging, writing stuff down had always felt too much like homework…a required task. But this will not be a journal of events, thoughts or feelings, but a recording of questions…questions I would like to have asked my mother. Questions like the origin of my name (see… Honor Thy Name), where and how she met my Dad, and whether she aware of things that were going on inside the family are just a few of the many…many questions I have.

Although writing them down will not bring answers, perhaps the questions themselves and going back to them on written page can bring some comfort and lead me onto a path of self discovery and enlightenment.

Check out Fresh Mommy to see more quotes being posted by participants.


17 comments:

  1. A journal is a wonderful idea. I lost my Mom when she was 66, and my Dad 6 weeks later. As close as my Mom and I were, there are still so many unanswered questions.
    Good luck.
    Sunny :)

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  2. I agree, you do look like your mother! Loved reading about her. She sounds very much like my mother. Even though she had to die young, I think it´s great that you still think of her every day. She must have been a special person.
    Thanks for sharing!

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  3. That's so interesting...and a beautiful idea. I was just talking to my Nanna yesterday and she was saying the same thing...that she wishes she'd asked more questions of my great-grandparents before they died....

    ...I guess that's our cue to start asking now...

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  4. Marisa:
    My mom was dead in her early 40s too. But, mine is a very different relationship than the one you describe. If you'd like to read about it, take a look at a post called, On Your Mother's Side. I'll be interested in what you think.

    The Journal filled with questions...what a cool idea...I'm wondering where it might take you.

    I'll look forward to what you share with us about it. I hope your week brings you lots of question to enjoy considering.

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  5. A very thought-provoking quote.It makes me miss my mother more and remind me of the unanswered questions.

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  6. That's a great idea and a fabulous quote. :)

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  7. Such a touching post about your feelings. You write with warmth, integrity and emotion. I look forward to following your blog. I think that the journal idea is an excellent one.

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  8. You touched me wuth your remembrance of yourMom. No matter your age, the death of your mom is so difficult. I lost my Mom at 78 last May. I lost my dad when he was 49.
    My Mom was the glue for sure - we are not close now.
    Thanks for sharing.

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  9. Wonderful Sunday Citar - and wonderful to honor your mother in this way. I miss mine, too. ♥

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  10. your mother is beautiful and so are you. : ) i was just thinking after my prayers, how i wish i would have listened more to my grandmother. i would go back in time and listen to the stories and know in time, they would be able to help me solve my life puzzle.
    your journal will be a lovely tribute to your mothers stories.
    xo

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  11. ☼¨`*•.♥Beautiful♥.•*¨`☼

    http://www.mamipicture.com/2009/08/sunday-citar_23.html

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  12. Beautiful photo and inspiring quote. Your mothers seems like she was a wonderful woman! I love the journal idea, I've always been the same way about writing in journals, but I think it's a great way to really know what you feel.

    :)

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  13. Thank you for sharing this wonderful post about your Mom...it was lovely! and thanks as well for mentioning my post as well!

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  14. Im 22 yaers old and i follow my mom's word as if they are delivered by God. your post helped me to realise that Im lucky that i have such a caring and brilliant mother. Thank you Lord, for giving me that level of understanding...

    Im glad to follow you .. visit me, faheimgul.blogspot.com

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  15. Mom, perhaps you can answer the questions that you ask about your mom for your daughers about you. Sometimes it's hard to know what questions to ask.

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  16. Great idea...I lost my mom 10 1/2 years ago and she was only 49....I too am the one that looks the most like her...so I know the feeling of now and then seeing a glimpse of her in the mirror.

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